2012 Fails

Monday, December 31, 2012

You might think that everything is Champagne Cupcakes  and Perfect Beer Battered Onion Rings in my kitchen.  I, just like any baker, chef and home cook, mess stuff up royally all.of.the.time.  I just don't post about it.  I mean really who wants to look at burnt to a crisp chicken (see below) or something that is drier than the sand in the Nevada desert on a regular basis?   I saved up some of my most epic kitchen fails for the year and complied them into this nice post.  I do it for you, friends.  
Behold, blackened (and drier than heck) beer can chicken.  Moist, my foot.
See, this southwestern chicken pasta looks pretty good.  Well, it tasted like nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Blah.
Oh this, this was a royal pain in my arce.  I thought, "why wouldn't I make homemade ice cream Snicker bars?! I have the recipe for magic shell, just need a few more ingredients.  BAH.  Biggest mess of my life.  The ice cream was melty, I had to freeze everything between each step and it was a pain.  Just a pain!
However, it did taste FREAKING AMAZING.  Because of the difficulty of this pain in the neck, I decided to keep this little gem for myself.  Moral of the story, it tastes the SAME if you just put everything in a bowl.  (Palm to head)…GAW.
Yes, these apple cinnamon rolls look delicious.  However, the texture was disgusting.  Just mealy bready grossness.  I ended up making these Apple Cinnamon Rolls that were to DIE for instead.  I saved a whole afternoon too because the first recipe was completely homemade…nothing chaps my arce more than spending a ton of time on a recipe and having it suck.
This recipe for Sesame Chicken in the CrockPot, well I overcooked the heck out of it.  Took one bite and the chicken just fell apart in our mouths…not in the good tender chicken way but in the take one bite and it falls into dried chicken powder kind of a way.  Yeah, not good.
Another epic CrockPot fail.  Chicken+Salsa+Black Beans+Corn+8 hours= one burnt mess.
I made a carrot cake for my friend Heather's baby celebration….
I wouldn't actually consider this a "fail fail" but it wasn't that good.  And a lot of work.  humph.
Have you tried this Pinterest sensation?  Baked mozzarella sticks in wonton wrappers?  Don't they are gross.
Taco Stuffed Shells and Cheese.  Dry.  Gross.
This is when I thought I was going to like fresh, homemade tomato soup.  We didn't, it was nasty.  The texture?  Woof.
Making frozen potato wedges on the grill…burnt…very burnt.  We later made them this way again and um, they were amazing.
Looks good right?  They were going to be Mocha Coconut Cream Pies, a creation all my own…too bad the texture made me want to hurl.  Besides the whipped cream, holy crap that whipped cream is good. 
Baked meatballs with way too many onions then frozen and heated up.
Absolutely terrible.  That broccoli on the other hand, holy mother, AMAZING.
And lastly, no matter what they tell you, using evaporated milk instead of half and half or heavy cream never tastes the same.  NEVER.  Don't do it.


  1. HAHAHA! This post makes me feel better about my fails. I've tried to baked mozzarella sticks from pinterest....also learned that they are disgusting. But I did make a recipe of Taco Stuffed Shells that turned out AMAZING!


  2. You make me giggle...Miss you, darlin'!

  3. Which Tomato Soup recipe did you use? Your grandma's recipe is actually quite good! Maybe it's the process that you used to extract the juice that made the texture "woofy"! :) Let me know if you need Ruth's recipe.

  4. thank you for keepin it real! there are a lot of pintrest fails out there!

  5. OK, you are amazing. Your fails are hardly epic. Although, the fiesta chicken... yeah 4 hours on low starting with totally frozen breasts= more than enough! A fam fave over here!! A missing quote, "Emily, I never want to eat this again. Ever."- stated after an anonymously (not Mrs. Schwartz) prepared meal went awry.

  6. From the photographs alone with these dishes I am delighted. I wanted to learn how to cook, you inspired me. But probably have to start with something simpler, like spaghetti :)


Made With Love By The Dutch Lady Designs